Have you ever imagined what life would be like without your significant other? Admit it, you've sat there at least once or twice and wondering what life would be like without your spouse, whether it involve pain, being alone forever, or a free life to travel wherever. What would you do if that ACTUALLY happened, if one day you woke up and nothing was ever the same?
I remember that day like no other, when Trent had once again admitted to talking to another girl. I do say, he was pretty good about admitting when he did wrong, it takes a lot of courage to do so but that still doesn't take away from the pain it caused. From that moment on, everything changed, I had just gotten to work and it was one of those over-the-phone things. Whats worse than a break-up over the phone? A "I have been unfaithful to our marriage" over the phone. Something in me had changed, like I suddenly became strong and decided that enough was enough. I couldn't live the rest of my life in fear, having to worry about him and make sure he was doing all the things he should as a husband.
Of course there was pain, there still is, there was tears, anger, frustration, confusion, disappointment, denial, and then depression. ALL. AT. ONCE. I didn't know what to say or think about anything anymore, I didn't know what to believe and at that moment is when I questioned everything he ever told me. Did he ever love me? Did he mean it when he said "I do"? What did I do wrong? Why aren't I enough? And then I shut down, I went through this phase of being a zombie, I had no emotions for anyone or anything. Getting out of bed was one of the hardest things in the world, alongside trying to put on make-up while you have tears running down your face.
We had officially split-up moved into separate homes and went in opposite directions in our life the first week of May. I mean there was the occasional let's hang out thing going on, but let's be honest here we all know that doesn't make anything any easier it just makes the fact that everything is over a lot harder to accept.
Fast forward a month later, after many guys getting ignored, turned down, and blocked from even being friends with me Blaize came along. We'll talk all about him later on though ;)
All in all, life has been bat shit crazy. Like there is no way to even describe it right now. Trent and I did end up getting back together the weekend of our birthday in September and then decided mid-October that it's just not healthy and I personally couldn't do it anymore. There's a lot of pain and issues that come with cheating, A LOT. I will admit, even though I'm personally happier without Trent it sucks to know that I lost my best friend. All the plans we had, the dreams and hopes for a bigger family. I'll never know quite why it happened the way it did, or why God brought him in my life to only have him cause me pain and take him out but I'm thankful because for the first time in my life I truly loved and adored someone. I learned a lot about motherhood, I spent several nights crying because I didn't know what to do. I was just like every other new mother except that she was 1 and easier to handle but I was still scared shitless. This baby girl, this little fragile baby that was like a porcelain doll to me was just left in my care with her father and of course I knew how to take care of a baby but when you know that it's for life it's a little bit scarier. Parenthood was awesome, and we had some amazing memories, I watched her grow up and turn into the little princess she is now and even though I don't have her anymore I'm so thankful for that experience. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever been a part of.
When I thought about what life would be like without Trent, this isn't what I expected and this isn't what I wanted. I lost my family, I lost a really big part of me and a piece of my heart. I can't pick up the phone and call him if I don't know what to eat for lunch or if I have exciting news to share. I can't cry my eyes out to him because I feel like the world is against me with my raging hormones. I can't wake up in the morning, take care of things, and cook supper before he gets home. I can't get super excited to hear his truck pull into the driveway. You never realize how precious things are until they are ripped from you completely. There is no more Emmalyn, no trips to the zoo or watching the same episodes of Sofia The First over and over again. And the one thing that hurts the most is that I'm left continuing my life without closure.
