celebrating Mother's Day with an empty nest

Before I start this blog post I want to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to the women who don't understand and that are annoyed by my weak days and posts of an empty nest. I'm sorry to the people who do understand, to the mothers who have lost their children.I'm sorry to the women who feel weak and alone like me, to the husbands who don't know how to make your wife feel better.

I don't know what it's like to lose a baby, I don't know what it's like to even have one.

But I do know what it's like to wake up every morning and wish I knew what was wrong with body. I know what it's like to see all these women around you get pregnant and want to cry, to see all the cute baby clothes in the stores and obsess over them and how you just wish you had a reason to buy it. 

I know what it's like to wake up every morning and hate your body.

So, in honor of Mother's Day this year I just wanted to share some feelings.

Last year, mothers day was hard. It was my first official mothers day where I KNEW that something was wrong, it was horrible. I wanted to spend my day locked in my room and see no one. But I couldn't do that, because women who don't suffer with infertility wouldn't understand why I would want attention on this day too. "Oh she doesn't have a baby" "she's not a mom." "Stop crying". And this year, I'm deciding to be stronger than that, I'm going to learn to accept this about myself and the fact that what I want may just never come. Maybe it was my job in life to just love everyone else's babies, and if that's the case then so be it, I am completely okay with that. I've learned that the more I start to become okay with this and stop denying it the easier it's becoming and the happier I am. I don't find myself freaking out when mother nature doesn't roll around on day 28, because never in my life has it been the same amount of days. I don't rush to the store for a pregnancy test and try to convince myself I see a second line or plus sign. I patiently just wait for what I know is coming every month, and that is my sure sign and proof that I am indeed not pregnant.

There are SO many families that take precious moments for granted and little do they know there are so many women, like me, who would be dying to experience the things they do. I cant even count on both my hands and feet how many people have told me "just adopt". Yes, I'm becoming stronger and more accepting of my circumstances but never in my life will I 'just adopt'. You see, the thing I crave the most, other than actually creating life, is the pregnancy. I want to be excited to actually see a plus sign on a pregnancy test, I want to pee on a stick and be excited about it damnit! I want to see every one's excitement on their face when I tell them. I want to feel my baby move for the first time, I want my body to do all these weird things it does when your pregnant, I want to have to run to the bathroom to pee because I laughed too hard. I want the morning sickness, and contractions, and all the labor pains. I want to actually experience a pregnancy, I want to experience every part of motherhood possible, the good and the bad.

I pray almost every night for those that have to go through this, for the moms who have lost their children, the moms who are pregnant and KNOW they will most likely lose their child. I also pray for all the moms I know that they have the best experience, everything goes fine, and that they enjoy their little blessing. A baby is the best blessing anyone could get. A blessing I will wait for, one day I will get this right. I will get my baby, whether it cost me $10,000 or $100,000. I will never give up, because a piece of my unborn child is in my heart, and I love them too much already to just give up. 

I want to say Happy Mothers day to all women out there. Because in some way half of us are already moms. Whether in spirit, in heart, or those that actually have children with them here today. Each story is different,  but we all deserve some sort of recognition.